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Iâm 34 yrs old and have two children 3 and 7. Iâve been divorced for one year and still have a lot of resentment towards my ex and how things ended. He cheated on me, tried to deny everything when I knew who she was and I was the last to know. Iâve caught them together around town, and had to even stop him allowing her around our kids. He denies everything and said she was just helping out with sitting and meals. I donât believe him for one moment.
Hereâs the problem, I love him. Heâs the father of my children and we have been together for 9 years. I could not get past the affair and mainly because he has never admitted to it. How can we work on whatever the problem is when he canât admit he had and is still having a relationship with this girl?
I have to tell you that we are still seeing each other intimately. This is why Iâm so confused. We make love like nothing is wrong, then he leaves and I know he is with her. I drive by his new apartment sometimes and see her car. But yet he tells me he loves me and nothing is going on with her. I canât seem to bring myself to really make the break. What do I do?
Dear what do I do,
The first thing you must do is ask yourself if lying and betrayal are traits you want in your personal relationship. Iâm sure the answer is no, as no one would consciously want that. So the only way to remove this from your life is to believe what your head tells you and deny your heart the right to manage your behavior. Your heart is appealing to the memories, the fantasy of what was and the dream of what could be. Your head knows the truth and this is what you should listen to.
It seems to me that this guy has the better of two worlds; he hasnât completely destroyed his family because his ex is behaving as though she forgives him on some level, and a girlfriend who is satisfying some other needs. Some men would say heâs a lucky guy!
Iâm all for working things out. However it takes two people to do that, and youâve already said he continues to deny any wrong doing. I donât see this working, and frankly I canât imagine if youâre honest with yourself this feels like progress. I think you both need to walk away and go through the pain. You will be a better person for it, and hopefully stronger. In order to see what is going on here in my opinion you must be able to look from the outside in and to do this it will require objectivity. The only way to get there is to heal. So what Iâm saying is to heal first, then look at it. You never know, perhaps if he loses the contact with you he may decide to own everything and get help. But if he doesnât you will have a new set of eyes from which to move forward in your life.
Iâve learned that your âgutâ is your head trying to get throughâŠlisten.
Readers, why is the ex husband holding on? How can she deny her heart and listen to her head?
Molly is a writer and business professional with years of experience in finance, business development and management. Her lifelong passion and learning has been focused on the understanding and complexity of relationships as well as effective communication. Originally from Texas she has lived in many cities including St. Louis and Portland finally settling in Boston where she raised her family and received her education in Business Administration. She is now living in Texas with her family and is excited to be home. Catch her daily relationship and advice column âMolly Mason- Letâs Talk Loveâ on www.austin.com and âStraight Talkâ in print. You can contact Molly at email@example.com.