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I have a problem and need advice. I‚Äôve live in Austin for five years now and left a guy in CA who I was having an affair with. He was married and I was single. We met at work and things got hot and heavy quickly. We traveled together for work which made it ‚Äúeasy‚ÄĚ to see each other. I always felt badly for his wife because from everything I saw she was really sweet. He said the fire was gone and I believed him. I‚Äôll tell you he was 12 years older than me, and I come from a divorced home. My friends said I was looking for a father figure because at the time I was 32. We were together for three years before I took the transfer to Austin. Here‚Äôs the problem, I miss him and he me. He says he‚Äôs getting a divorce but I‚Äôm not seeing any paperwork (and I‚Äôve asked). I know they are still in the house together and he says it‚Äôs because of the kids. He has visited me consistently over the three years but it‚Äôs preventing me from having a life here. I hide him from my friends here because I‚Äôm embarrassed. It‚Äôs making me sick. But I really do love him! What do I do?
Dear ‚ÄúWhat Do I Do‚ÄĚ,
You mentioned that the affair was ‚Äúeasy‚ÄĚ; do the quotations tell a different story? You said you felt badly, so why question that. I‚Äôm sure you know that having an affair with a married man is wrong and there‚Äôs nothing that can make it right. If a man will cheat with you, he will cheat on you.
Perhaps you know more about what you should do then you think. Maybe you are looking for a father figure, but is he really the kind of ‚Äėfigure' you respect and can value? In my opinion there‚Äôs a reason he‚Äôs still living with his wife, and you are not seeing the paperwork towards divorce. But this is not about him at all, this is about you. You moved but are stuck in CA! Start to live here and become the person you feel in your gut. All you have to do is listen to your instincts and then make changes according to how you feel. You will know you are living the right life when that sick awful feeling is gone.
My advice is to set some goals in your life, and start to live by them. Who do you want to be going forward? What values do you hold dear to your heart? How do you want to treat others in this world? What makes YOU happy? How do you define love? I can imagine how awful living with this shame is for you. So the resolve in my opinion is to stop it. Change the way you are doing things, and start living authentically. If you can have one friend who you can tell all of this to it would be good to get it off your shoulders so you can heal. This person can hopefully help you on your new journey. If you don‚Äôt have anyone I suggest you find a good therapist who will help guide you and love you unconditionally, until you begin to love yourself first.
Readers, how can she let this guy go? Any suggestions as to how to start a new life in Austin? How do you learn to listen to your gut?
Molly is a writer and business professional with years of experience in finance, business development and management. Her lifelong passion and learning has been focused on the understanding and complexity of relationships as well as effective communication. Originally from Texas she has lived in many cities including St. Louis and Portland finally settling in Boston where she raised her family and received her education in Business Administration. She is now living in Texas with her family and is excited to be home. Catch her daily relationship and advice column ‚ÄúMolly Mason- Let‚Äôs Talk Love‚ÄĚ on www.austin.com and ‚ÄúStraight Talk‚ÄĚ in print. You can contact Molly at firstname.lastname@example.org.